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Posts Tagged ‘anxiousness’

Madre mía, for the last three days, there’s been a mighty storm blowing around in my head. This semester, I am student teaching. I was teaching my classes on Wednesday, and one of my activities went badly. The students had been complaining about their grades (some were just a couple points away from a higher letter grade.) I wasn’t prepared to receive that negative reaction from them, so it brought my enthusiasm down a little bit.

It came time to introduce the game I wanted them to play, but I had a hard time getting them set up. I found the directions hard to explain, and they didn’t enjoy it as much as I had hoped they would. It was just an all-around bad activity.

But it was just one day. I could easily have just moved on and let it go. But I couldn’t. I expressed my worry to my mentor, and from that point on, I could think of absolutely nothing except terrible, negative thoughts about myself as a teacher. Satan got into my head, and helped me to blow my worries way out of proportion.

My mentor stayed after school with me for three hours to help me plan, and we hardly got anything done. I just could not focus. I called off work that night and planned out my next day as best I could, focusing mainly on those classes where my activity had gone wrong.

I prayed to God a little bit throughout that time, but mostly I was just thinking and worrying about myself. Throughout Thursday and Friday, I had lost all confidence. The students could see my insecurity, which made it hard for them to focus on what it was they were supposed to be learning.

I finally turned completely back to God after school on Friday. It felt weird, because God has been leading and teaching me so much about Him this whole semester. He’s really felt like my best friend in the world. And as soon as that one day happened, I cut off all real contact with Him for about 60 hours. Only 60 hours: 2.5 days. But when I at long last started listening to Him again, it felt as if I hadn’t hung out with Him for weeks and weeks! I had just been so caught up in myself and my demons.

I praised Him and asked for Him to have a hand in my planning for the next week. I told Him I knew that if I had faith He would help me, He would. Rachel and John came over that night, and we ate supper. They were going to the Souled Out service that night. I was tempted to not go and instead focus on my teaching. But I felt God pushing me to go, because it was just my worldly desires and Satan that were holding me back – to keep fueling those worries.

Turns out that was true! When I completely let my teaching go and turned to Him with all of my heart and thoughts, He poured into me some awesome teaching ideas! He showed me that teaching isn’t so complicated as I’ve been making it out to be. I can have security, confidence, and joy in what I’ve been called to do!

I read Matthew 6:25 and it fit my situation so perfectly, praise the LORD.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink (or what you will TEACH,) nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food? (Is not life more than TEACHING?), and the body more than clothing?”

It’s one thing to be commanded what NOT to do. But how can I make myself stop worrying? What can I do proactively? Verse 33 goes on to tell me exactly what I should do instead of worrying: “But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.”

I have to actually stop addressing my own problems – shun them completely! Seek God first – Him and Him only, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me to stop thinking about the situation at hand. And then God will guide me through that situation at hand.

Here’s some other sweet verses God showed me, praise Him!

“The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.” Proverbs 20:29

John had a good story that went with this, from when he was a kid.
He said: “Mom, I’m not strong, but God’s strong. And God’s in me, so me and God are the same strong!”

Wow.

“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.” Proverbs 29:25

I was afraid of my own students, so of course I was bound to stumble!

“One’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.” Proverbs 29:23

This fits my situation in a cool way too: I thought I was being humble by talking with my students about my circumstances and apologizing for the day before. But really, it was just another form of pride. It’s okay to be open, but you have to be open in a selfless way. God showed me that my being open with my students was complete selfishness. It really wasn’t relevant to their lives at all. They didn’t need to hear any of what I said: it only confused them or made them uncomfortable.

I wasn’t thinking about them in my openness; I was still just thinking about me!

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

I’m not ashamed of my insecurities, because we all have them. May the world see how weak and foolish I am! How easily I am tossed and blown around by this world! Praise the LORD for the solid rock that He is.

-hasta pronto

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